Waves

I can’t remember when the dreams of waves first began. I only recall that they started to emerge sometime during my primary school years. They all would start differently yet would end the same. Sometimes I was on a beach, a boat, or a cliffside, wherever it was I was somewhere I could see and sense the waves. Often it started in the presence of calm waters but out of nowhere you would feel it and then you would see it, a behemoth would lay before my eyes, stories and stories of water that blocked out the sun as it approached. My gut would drop as the wave crested over me, its form mimicking a mountain of liquid dread. Sometimes I’d try to run, but it would be of no use, slowly but surely the predestined terrors of Poseidon would always reach me. 

Gradually the wave grew and gradually the wave advanced.

And then Boom, it’d Hit. 

Sometimes I would claw to the earth as the waves washed over me, holding on with as much strength as I could. But it was all in vain as the swell would drag me back as it wasted the soil and dirt beneath my body. 

The ending of the dream would always be the same, you can’t escape fear and I could never escape the path of this oncoming deluge. 

I would have these dreams repeatedly throughout my youth. Over and over the wave would wake me up and leave me wide eyed in the middle of the cold dark night. Many good nights of sleep were sacrificed to this nightmare as I had to pause and collect myself in my adrenaline-fueled state before I could (if indeed I could) return to my slumber.

It would be years before I realized those waves were psychic manifestations of my own anxiety. These were the literal waves of dread and emotion that washed through my childhood and early adolescence. 

At an unclarified point these recurring dreams lessened.

From nightly happenings these dreams moved to weekly, then monthly, then seasonal occurrences. These dreams would never cease completely, still occurring as sporadic phenomena, but they now lacked the volume to dominate my life like they previously had. 

Once again, I had one of those dreams last night. It followed a similar pattern to others yet for the first time finished differently. In this dreamt illusion I found myself on an open barge in the middle of the ocean. Flanked to my left and the right were elevated platforms in which faceless members of the crew found themselves occupied. I however was in an open section and, like standing on the edge of the public swimming pool could feel the warm water lapping at my toes on the fringe of the platform. The sea at that moment was turquoise and tranquil, but as soon as I looked out I knew that the inevitable was yet to come. That's the thing about a recurring dream you can feel yourself being pulled towards it, and like swimming against a rip your attempt to fight it will only make you drown quicker. From the calm waters I saw the ocean grow angry and witnessed as the water welled up to tower before me. Slowly but surely the wave made its way towards the barge. The vessel creaked as the ship tilted back, my eyes a gaze at the giant that had terrorized my nights on so many occasions. 

And yet in this moment that I had found myself in so many times, something was different, something was different inside of me. And instead of filling with unceasing dread as I awaited my fate, I captured my resolve and ran forth and dived into the tidal beast. 

From the chaos of the surface above, I found myself sinking into pure tranquil blackness. The presence of my own body and soul provided the only illumination to be felt in these voided depths. With no noise and no movement, it seemed as though I had found myself in space, floating in a galaxy where every star had been painted over. 

There I floated and there I meditated, not concerned with the waves atop or the troubles in my soul but occupied instead with the quietness of the deep. 

A quietness projected not from the stormed reality above but projected from the dreamt solitude below. 

A solitude I can always find within me, only if I choose to leap towards it. 

Edited Journal extract- 

Originally written- 

4th of December 2023 - Madrid 

Video Cyprus- Filmed 10th of January 2024